/The Proper implementation of the primary Kiss.

The Proper implementation of the primary Kiss.

The Proper implementation of the primary Kiss.

 

** The Question

Hi Dating Nerd,

I’ve been considering this girl for a while. Which is to say, we met through some friends, hit it off chatting on Facebook, and went on a few dates? We’ve got great flirting chemistry and I’m almost certain she wants me to kiss her. But I’ve just been kind of losing my nerve when the time come and we still haven’t kissed yet. I’m worried that if we go on one more cute date that ends without a hot make-out she’s just going to move on. What are your first-kiss tips??? I need to form this out!

** The reply

Hi Kiss Klutz,

The question of how you should put your face all over your lover’s face for the very first time is a philosophical question that has echoed throughout the ages. Because this is such an important moment. It’s when all the physical barriers come crashing down. It’s when you first say, hey, I don’t care that there are tiny deposits of half-dissolved Doritos lurking back somewhere in your gross mouth, I’m going in there anyway. This is that most romantic moment when the potential instantly becomes actual, and you almost certainly.

So, reader, I proudly announce that I will now resolve this question for all time. Executing the first kiss is simple. Walk your lucky lady down a cobblestone path under the full moon. If there are no cobblestone paths nearby, fly her to Portugal first. In advance, hire a tiny man, who will sprinkle rose petals from the top of a nearby building. When one of the rose petals falls on your lover’s face, she’ll say, “What the hell is that?” Say, “A rose petal — pretty romantic, don’t you think?” In the confused silence that follows, stick your tongue down her throat with as much enthusiasm as you can possibly muster.

I’m kidding, of course. Don’t do any of that.  Everything else is absolutely secondary. What are you afraid of? That she’ll give you the cheek? Well, that’s fine. Now you know. She doesn’t want to kiss you — this is important information that you have to find out eventually. Too bad for her. Go home, cry if you must, then Tinder your heart out until you have another opportunity.

She’ll want you or she won’t. Probably, she’ll have spent much of the first date figuring out whether you’re attractive and/or whether you’re a crazy ax-murderer. She’s already decided whether you’re getting in there. Your approach won’t change that. Unless you attempt the first kiss in a way that’s absolutely bizarre, like maybe swooping in after emerging from bathroom with clown makeup on, any of the details of the moment — what you say before, the angle of your chin, whether you have gross wine lips from the classy red wine you’ve been drinking — won’t matter a bit. If you had a great first date, screwing up the first kiss is actually pretty difficult.

Example. One time I was out on a date with someone who was too good for me. (Or, that’s what I thought. Subject for another time: “too good for me” is a nonsense idea that paralyzes the minds of many good men. Anyway.) So I was petrified. But drinks had gone well, and I was walking her home, through a big fluffy snowstorm. She was giggling melodiously — which was tremendous news. If you can make somebody laugh, they probably want you to make them do other things, too.

But, as we were standing on the street corner, a wave of idiocy-inducing anxiety took me over. I felt like if I didn’t kiss her immediately, the moment would pass forever. So I grabbed her head and we began kissing passionately. (Passionately is the word you’re legally required to describe kissing with.) After a second, she pulled back, and said, “Uh, dude, you’re hurting my ear.” Yep. In my state of wonder, I was so oblivious that I was feverishly manhandling the side of her head.

Afterwards, she tested me “Thanks for the great date, and the ear massage.” She gave me sh*t about it for weeks. It became a cute running joke, and we kept dating.

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There are all sorts of good first kisses. One of my favorite relationships started when we kissed on a misty night in a forest after we broke into an old theater and waltzed on a darkened stage. Another one started when we were on LSD in a crappy coffee place. Every first kiss has its own sort of magic — each one is its own kind of story.

Let that be a lesson to you. (Just to be clear, the lesson isn’t that you should grasp wildly at the head of your love interest, or do LSD. What it means is that you should take courage and just do it. Take your mouth and put it on there.)

Do you know how many pretty women I’ve heard ranting about how they were on a great date with some really cool guy who concluded the date by calling them buddy and awkwardly hugging them? Enough that I know that it’s a society-wide problem, especially among men who are sensitive enough to write a dating advice columnist. Lots of interesting, thoughtful dudes are a little too thoughtful about what they should do with women. Please: less thinking, more responsibility.